Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sisters
Today I am grateful for all my sisters. Not only the ones in my imediate family, but all my sisters in Christ. They all lift me up and encourage. They hold me accountable when I want to do something stupid. They make me think twice before I act. I can count on them to always be there to listen to me and give me Godly advice. I am so blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. I love you all!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A time for everything
Alright, there has been a lot of stuff on my mind so I figure maybe this is the reason I cant sleep. I have been having problems for the last two weeks when it comes to the sleep situation. At fist I thought it was because I was alone in a big house over spring break. Then I thought maybe it was because I was in San Antonio and not in my own bed. Then it was that I was up talking to people till two or three in the morning. But the truth is my mind hasnt been able to shut off.
In my last post I told you about my dad and said I was going to have the same conversation with my mom. Well I did. I really tried not to have expectations goin into it. Guess how well that worked out. I went in thinking that if my dad, who I hadnt talked to in years, took it so well, maybe my mom, who I talk to all the time, would take it even better. Wrong! We went to lunch in Dallas. It was about a 45 min drive from her house to the restaurant. Perfect time to talk right? Not even close. I had a feeling that it wasnt the right time to talk to her but chose not to listen to that small voice inside. Like I said I had expectations that everything would work out great. So I start telling her about the weekend. I should have stoped when she wasnt responsive but I just kept talking. It was like I needed a mute button. I figured maybe the more I explained the better it would go. Again I was wrong. She started asking defensive questions and finally just shut down. I tried to explain my position a little differently. That just made her shut down even more. Eventually I just changed the subject. This is a prime example of my timing not being in sync with Gods timing. Had I listened then no one would have gotten hurt. I wouldnt have been dissappointed and she wouldnt have gotten her feelings hurt.
Gods timing is always perfect. Its when we decide to do things on our own that things go wrong. My mom wasnt ready to hear about what I had been through. I think a big part of that is she still has a lot of hurt and anger inside of her heart. God tried to tell me that she wasnt ready and I didnt hear a word he said. I dont like that at all. I want to always be in tune to what He is telling me. He wants me to always be in tune with Him. I think this is why I have had a hard time sleeping. The knowledge that I havent been in complete sync with God has been keeping me up.
Now the question is what am I going to do about it. It is one thing to realize that Im not where I need to be, but its the action that matters. I guess for starters, really diving into His word. Now I have been doing the divotionals, but I think I have been doing it more out of habit then really trying to learn things and know God. The second thing would be to pray unceasingly. Talk to God all day. As my pastor Paul said keep my God phone on. I think if I start there things will get a lot better. Its not about my timing its about Gods timing. And sometimes they dont match up (more often then not), but that doesnt make it ok for me not to listen.
In my last post I told you about my dad and said I was going to have the same conversation with my mom. Well I did. I really tried not to have expectations goin into it. Guess how well that worked out. I went in thinking that if my dad, who I hadnt talked to in years, took it so well, maybe my mom, who I talk to all the time, would take it even better. Wrong! We went to lunch in Dallas. It was about a 45 min drive from her house to the restaurant. Perfect time to talk right? Not even close. I had a feeling that it wasnt the right time to talk to her but chose not to listen to that small voice inside. Like I said I had expectations that everything would work out great. So I start telling her about the weekend. I should have stoped when she wasnt responsive but I just kept talking. It was like I needed a mute button. I figured maybe the more I explained the better it would go. Again I was wrong. She started asking defensive questions and finally just shut down. I tried to explain my position a little differently. That just made her shut down even more. Eventually I just changed the subject. This is a prime example of my timing not being in sync with Gods timing. Had I listened then no one would have gotten hurt. I wouldnt have been dissappointed and she wouldnt have gotten her feelings hurt.
Gods timing is always perfect. Its when we decide to do things on our own that things go wrong. My mom wasnt ready to hear about what I had been through. I think a big part of that is she still has a lot of hurt and anger inside of her heart. God tried to tell me that she wasnt ready and I didnt hear a word he said. I dont like that at all. I want to always be in tune to what He is telling me. He wants me to always be in tune with Him. I think this is why I have had a hard time sleeping. The knowledge that I havent been in complete sync with God has been keeping me up.
Now the question is what am I going to do about it. It is one thing to realize that Im not where I need to be, but its the action that matters. I guess for starters, really diving into His word. Now I have been doing the divotionals, but I think I have been doing it more out of habit then really trying to learn things and know God. The second thing would be to pray unceasingly. Talk to God all day. As my pastor Paul said keep my God phone on. I think if I start there things will get a lot better. Its not about my timing its about Gods timing. And sometimes they dont match up (more often then not), but that doesnt make it ok for me not to listen.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Forgiveness
So after writing the last post I realized there were a few people I needed to send it to. I sent it to my brother and to my dad. Now Im going to get real here and tell you about my family. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home. The abuse came from my dad and my brother (who learned it from my dad). After about 4 years of not talking to my dad we started emailing every few weeks. I was still not real sure how to talk to him and was afraid to let that part of my wall down. I was always scared that he would find a way to hurt me again.
My brother on the other hand is in jail right now. He said about a month ago that he had gotten saved. But then I recieved a letter from him that said the same hurtful things he always said to me. Well I wrote my brother telling him that I forgive him and asking him to forgive me if I had offended him in anyway and just told him I wouldnt take the abuse anymore and sent him a copy of the tres dias post. I should get a letter from him in a week or so.
Well then I sent one to my dad. I told him that I forgive him for all the hurt and pain. I also asked him to forgive me for all the things I said and did in the past. I told him that I didnt know if I was ready to see him or not but that I would keep praying about it ( I havent seen him in about 4 and a half years). After I sent the letter I prayed that he would have a softened heart while he was reading it and that his response wouldnt be hurtful. I went into it with absolutly no expectations of what would come from it. I sent it for me not for him.
Well tonight when I got home I had an email from him. I started reading and my heart was filled with joy. The things he said to me were like they came from a different man. I didnt recognize who this person was. He said he had forgiven me a long time ago and that he had forgiven my mom. Then he said he loved me. My dad had never, in 26 years, said those words to me. I still dont really know what to do with that except thank God. Thank God for opening my dads eyes, softening his heart and preparing the way for me to take down that wall.
I still am not sure about seeing him. I will continue praying for that. I plan on sharing this news and the tres dias post with my mom on monday. Again I'm going in with no expectations and Im doing this for me not for her. But there is forgiveness that needs to be known for her and asked from her as well. So I will let you know how that goes. For now Im utterly amazed by God. It just goes to show, God can fix things that we think are too broken. He can restore broken hearts and broken families. God is so good!!!!
My brother on the other hand is in jail right now. He said about a month ago that he had gotten saved. But then I recieved a letter from him that said the same hurtful things he always said to me. Well I wrote my brother telling him that I forgive him and asking him to forgive me if I had offended him in anyway and just told him I wouldnt take the abuse anymore and sent him a copy of the tres dias post. I should get a letter from him in a week or so.
Well then I sent one to my dad. I told him that I forgive him for all the hurt and pain. I also asked him to forgive me for all the things I said and did in the past. I told him that I didnt know if I was ready to see him or not but that I would keep praying about it ( I havent seen him in about 4 and a half years). After I sent the letter I prayed that he would have a softened heart while he was reading it and that his response wouldnt be hurtful. I went into it with absolutly no expectations of what would come from it. I sent it for me not for him.
Well tonight when I got home I had an email from him. I started reading and my heart was filled with joy. The things he said to me were like they came from a different man. I didnt recognize who this person was. He said he had forgiven me a long time ago and that he had forgiven my mom. Then he said he loved me. My dad had never, in 26 years, said those words to me. I still dont really know what to do with that except thank God. Thank God for opening my dads eyes, softening his heart and preparing the way for me to take down that wall.
I still am not sure about seeing him. I will continue praying for that. I plan on sharing this news and the tres dias post with my mom on monday. Again I'm going in with no expectations and Im doing this for me not for her. But there is forgiveness that needs to be known for her and asked from her as well. So I will let you know how that goes. For now Im utterly amazed by God. It just goes to show, God can fix things that we think are too broken. He can restore broken hearts and broken families. God is so good!!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tres Dias
Wow it has been a while since I have been on here. Part of that is I forgot my password, but part of it is life just gets busy sometimes. If I am going to be completly honest I also havent really felt like being inspirational for the past few months. I have been spiritually luke warm and I have been lost in my own head. Too consumed with my own thoughts and problems to really do anything. That all changed a little over a week ago.
I went on this thing last weekend called Tres Dias. I gave up the phone and the computer and gave all my attention and mind to God. I listened to some wonderful talks, and met some amazing women. Women who, like me are striving to put God first. So anyway the weekend started on Thursday night. I remember wondering what had I gotten myself into. In the middle-of-no-where Texas, no phone, no computer, I didnt really know anyone and I wasnt really feeling like hearing anything about God because of the afformentioned luke warmness. But here I was all the same. Friday was kinda a blur of talks, worshiping, meals, and fun. Saturday is when the real stuff happened for me.
We were in the middle of one of out breaks between talks. A woman who I had never met before came over and handed me a folded piece of paper with a simple scripure on it. Psalm 103. So, being the inquisitive type that I am I opened my bible to Psalm 103 and started reading. About halfway into it I start crying. By the end I was sobbing. If you have ever had God work on you to get rid of something bad in your life, you know how he usually goes layer by layer to get it out. Well I guess when you are being stubborn about something He just wants it gone so he will reach in to the depths of wherever you have been hiding it, and rip it out. Well thats exactly what happened on saturday morning. I guess I had stuffed it down so far that I really thought I was over it, but God knows my heart better than I do and He wanted me to see that I still had anger and hurt in my heart. So as Im sitting there, wondering what Im going to do with the anger and hurt that He just pulled out of me, He tells me to just let it go. Now Im going to tell you something right now, those are the hardest 3 words for me to hear. Let it go. If I let it go whats going to take its place. I dont really understand why I was holding on to that bit of hurt and anger. Its not good for me and why do I want to keep it. I think it has to do with the fact that it has been a part of me for so long I was afraid that there would be an emptiness left, and I dont want to feel empty.
I should have known better. God doesnt want me to feel empty either. He wants me to have a full heart, but full of good stuff. So as the day went on, I continued thinking this over and crying and praying. That night we were singing and I felt so full I was overflowing with Gods love and grace. There was no more anger and no more hurt. There was a point that evening I felt hands on my shoulders. I turned around and there was no one behind me. At that point in time I knew God had me. Litterally, had me in His hands. That feeling has to be the number 1 best feeling I think I have ever had. As the night went on I was able to really truely let go of all that anger and hurt. Through the help and prayers of a great friend who was there serving and one of the men that was there that weekend, I am finally free of that.
I never realized that the anger and hurt I thought were gone, continued to hold me back spiritually. Now that its gone, Im not afraid to worship with a pure heart. Im not afraid to tell others about His love and grace. Im not afraid to forgive people for hurting me, because I know that God forgave me. God has all I need. He will provide everything including friends who wont leve when things get a little rough. He gives me strength when I ask for it, and even when I dont ask for it. All He asks of me is to love Him back and love people the way I love Him. Grace is freely given with no strings attached. We must actively recieve it. We must recognize that we are walking in Gods grace no matter what season we are in or where we happen to be. Grace is not something God does but it is who He is. Gods grace is like a waterfall, and we are called not to be a cup or a bucket to hold the water, but be a channel. To have it flow from God into us, and out of us and into others. So this is where Im at. I found the waterfall of grace, now my job is to stay under it and bring others under it with me.
At the end of the weekend I found the woman who gave me the life changing scripture. I told her what all had happened, and the awesome thing was she didnt even remember what she had written down. She told me that God had her bring me the paper. I wonder what kind of weekend it would have been if she was too scared or wasnt in tune with God enough to listen and do what He wanted her to do. It also makes me wonder who I could have helped when I felt the prompting, but didnt because I was too scared. It is my goal to listen and do whatever He tells me to and not let fear get in the way of Gods work.
P.S. Believe it or not, by the end of the weekend I didnt even miss my phone or the computer at all. :-)
I went on this thing last weekend called Tres Dias. I gave up the phone and the computer and gave all my attention and mind to God. I listened to some wonderful talks, and met some amazing women. Women who, like me are striving to put God first. So anyway the weekend started on Thursday night. I remember wondering what had I gotten myself into. In the middle-of-no-where Texas, no phone, no computer, I didnt really know anyone and I wasnt really feeling like hearing anything about God because of the afformentioned luke warmness. But here I was all the same. Friday was kinda a blur of talks, worshiping, meals, and fun. Saturday is when the real stuff happened for me.
We were in the middle of one of out breaks between talks. A woman who I had never met before came over and handed me a folded piece of paper with a simple scripure on it. Psalm 103. So, being the inquisitive type that I am I opened my bible to Psalm 103 and started reading. About halfway into it I start crying. By the end I was sobbing. If you have ever had God work on you to get rid of something bad in your life, you know how he usually goes layer by layer to get it out. Well I guess when you are being stubborn about something He just wants it gone so he will reach in to the depths of wherever you have been hiding it, and rip it out. Well thats exactly what happened on saturday morning. I guess I had stuffed it down so far that I really thought I was over it, but God knows my heart better than I do and He wanted me to see that I still had anger and hurt in my heart. So as Im sitting there, wondering what Im going to do with the anger and hurt that He just pulled out of me, He tells me to just let it go. Now Im going to tell you something right now, those are the hardest 3 words for me to hear. Let it go. If I let it go whats going to take its place. I dont really understand why I was holding on to that bit of hurt and anger. Its not good for me and why do I want to keep it. I think it has to do with the fact that it has been a part of me for so long I was afraid that there would be an emptiness left, and I dont want to feel empty.
I should have known better. God doesnt want me to feel empty either. He wants me to have a full heart, but full of good stuff. So as the day went on, I continued thinking this over and crying and praying. That night we were singing and I felt so full I was overflowing with Gods love and grace. There was no more anger and no more hurt. There was a point that evening I felt hands on my shoulders. I turned around and there was no one behind me. At that point in time I knew God had me. Litterally, had me in His hands. That feeling has to be the number 1 best feeling I think I have ever had. As the night went on I was able to really truely let go of all that anger and hurt. Through the help and prayers of a great friend who was there serving and one of the men that was there that weekend, I am finally free of that.
I never realized that the anger and hurt I thought were gone, continued to hold me back spiritually. Now that its gone, Im not afraid to worship with a pure heart. Im not afraid to tell others about His love and grace. Im not afraid to forgive people for hurting me, because I know that God forgave me. God has all I need. He will provide everything including friends who wont leve when things get a little rough. He gives me strength when I ask for it, and even when I dont ask for it. All He asks of me is to love Him back and love people the way I love Him. Grace is freely given with no strings attached. We must actively recieve it. We must recognize that we are walking in Gods grace no matter what season we are in or where we happen to be. Grace is not something God does but it is who He is. Gods grace is like a waterfall, and we are called not to be a cup or a bucket to hold the water, but be a channel. To have it flow from God into us, and out of us and into others. So this is where Im at. I found the waterfall of grace, now my job is to stay under it and bring others under it with me.
At the end of the weekend I found the woman who gave me the life changing scripture. I told her what all had happened, and the awesome thing was she didnt even remember what she had written down. She told me that God had her bring me the paper. I wonder what kind of weekend it would have been if she was too scared or wasnt in tune with God enough to listen and do what He wanted her to do. It also makes me wonder who I could have helped when I felt the prompting, but didnt because I was too scared. It is my goal to listen and do whatever He tells me to and not let fear get in the way of Gods work.
P.S. Believe it or not, by the end of the weekend I didnt even miss my phone or the computer at all. :-)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Post Card
My Precious Child,
I heard your prayers today. I heard every word. I understand what you are going through. I'll never leave you or forsake you. You can count on Me.
Love,
God
Just a little reminder from me to you that He is there no matter what. Tonights post is short. Its a simple message. Sometimes the simpler the message the harder it is to believe. We grow up thinking things need to be complicated in order to be worth it or true. I feel like it is the simpler things that make more sense. Why complicate the pure undying love that God has for you? Why place rules and regulations on your relationship with the one who just asks that you love Him? Why complicate something pure? Just think about it.
I heard your prayers today. I heard every word. I understand what you are going through. I'll never leave you or forsake you. You can count on Me.
Love,
God
Just a little reminder from me to you that He is there no matter what. Tonights post is short. Its a simple message. Sometimes the simpler the message the harder it is to believe. We grow up thinking things need to be complicated in order to be worth it or true. I feel like it is the simpler things that make more sense. Why complicate the pure undying love that God has for you? Why place rules and regulations on your relationship with the one who just asks that you love Him? Why complicate something pure? Just think about it.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
So I wrote this last year around this time. I have gone through some more changes since then and grown some more but I feel like this still applies.
I have had a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit this year. I don't know if it is because of certain circumstances that I have gone through this year, or if it is because of the fact that it is 80 degrees on December 14th. Most of you know that I have moved back to Texas this year. In addition to that I have also moved about 4 times since I have been back. I have had 4 different jobs, and have made some really big changes from who I was and who I am becoming. These changes have not come easily and I have not been open to them all. I do not like change, especially when it is change within me. I hold change at an arm’s length. That is until God saw fit to figuratively, break both arms so I could no longer keep change at bay. God has done so much for me this year. He has brought people into my life to help me change for the better, has helped me through some really hard times. He has shown me that there is more to life than what makes me happy for the moment. He has been my rock and I really don’t know where I would be right now if I had continued holding him back from my heart. I do know it would not be a good place. You would think with all the wonderful things God has done in my life this year I would be really excited for Christmas. I think the whole materialistic, forced family reunions and high expectations may have a bit to do with it. I'm done with all that. The stress of finding the perfect gift, or "out gifting” each other. Trying to one up one another to see who can get who the best most expensive gift. All that crap doesn’t matter. I think the world needs to get back to the basics of why we even celebrate Christmas in the first place. Now, I know we all know the basic story of a baby born in Bethlehem, come to be the king of the world. But how many of us really think about what that truly means. I know I haven't. To me, it means I don’t have to worry about things. All my worries, fears, doubts, failures, pain and troubles are under Gods feet. When I decided to cross the line of faith, He put it all under his feet and took all that from me and filled me with NEVERENDING love. His love can NEVER be taken from me. I don't have to earn it. I just have to take the opportunity to spread the love to others. To know that is the best thing to know. To say "God has this" is the best feeling in the world. Now I'm not perfect, and there are times I struggle with letting go. But in my head I still know that God is there and ready to take it from me when I am tired of it, or when I remember that I don’t have to deal with it or try to fix it. I still like to try and hold on a little but that’s the human part of me that has some control issues. But in the times I have completely let go, I have grown the most and been the happiest. Knowing God has been the best feeling of my life. My hope is that everyone will know that feeling and find the joy in knowing that God has this, ALL this, under his feet. Whatever your struggle, no matter how bad and big you think it is, He can and wants to take it from you. He wants nothing from you but your love. He wishes nothing for you but happiness and joy. I know He puts us through certain struggles, but it is so we can learn from them and use them to lead others to Him. He does not do it to punish you for something, he does not do it because he some spiteful vengeful person. He does it because He loves us. This is the best gift I can give anyone, to show them the best gift can’t be bought. It has already been paid for by Christ on the cross. All we have to do is accept it. I love every single one of you and hope that this note did not come off like preaching. I just had it on my mind and needed to vent a little and share what I have learned in this past year. Have a very Merry Christmas.
I have had a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit this year. I don't know if it is because of certain circumstances that I have gone through this year, or if it is because of the fact that it is 80 degrees on December 14th. Most of you know that I have moved back to Texas this year. In addition to that I have also moved about 4 times since I have been back. I have had 4 different jobs, and have made some really big changes from who I was and who I am becoming. These changes have not come easily and I have not been open to them all. I do not like change, especially when it is change within me. I hold change at an arm’s length. That is until God saw fit to figuratively, break both arms so I could no longer keep change at bay. God has done so much for me this year. He has brought people into my life to help me change for the better, has helped me through some really hard times. He has shown me that there is more to life than what makes me happy for the moment. He has been my rock and I really don’t know where I would be right now if I had continued holding him back from my heart. I do know it would not be a good place. You would think with all the wonderful things God has done in my life this year I would be really excited for Christmas. I think the whole materialistic, forced family reunions and high expectations may have a bit to do with it. I'm done with all that. The stress of finding the perfect gift, or "out gifting” each other. Trying to one up one another to see who can get who the best most expensive gift. All that crap doesn’t matter. I think the world needs to get back to the basics of why we even celebrate Christmas in the first place. Now, I know we all know the basic story of a baby born in Bethlehem, come to be the king of the world. But how many of us really think about what that truly means. I know I haven't. To me, it means I don’t have to worry about things. All my worries, fears, doubts, failures, pain and troubles are under Gods feet. When I decided to cross the line of faith, He put it all under his feet and took all that from me and filled me with NEVERENDING love. His love can NEVER be taken from me. I don't have to earn it. I just have to take the opportunity to spread the love to others. To know that is the best thing to know. To say "God has this" is the best feeling in the world. Now I'm not perfect, and there are times I struggle with letting go. But in my head I still know that God is there and ready to take it from me when I am tired of it, or when I remember that I don’t have to deal with it or try to fix it. I still like to try and hold on a little but that’s the human part of me that has some control issues. But in the times I have completely let go, I have grown the most and been the happiest. Knowing God has been the best feeling of my life. My hope is that everyone will know that feeling and find the joy in knowing that God has this, ALL this, under his feet. Whatever your struggle, no matter how bad and big you think it is, He can and wants to take it from you. He wants nothing from you but your love. He wishes nothing for you but happiness and joy. I know He puts us through certain struggles, but it is so we can learn from them and use them to lead others to Him. He does not do it to punish you for something, he does not do it because he some spiteful vengeful person. He does it because He loves us. This is the best gift I can give anyone, to show them the best gift can’t be bought. It has already been paid for by Christ on the cross. All we have to do is accept it. I love every single one of you and hope that this note did not come off like preaching. I just had it on my mind and needed to vent a little and share what I have learned in this past year. Have a very Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Waiting....
I had a friend say today that she was in a good mood, but she felt like she was just waiting for something bad to happen to ruin it. I had to laugh and say because it has in the past, but to have faith that things will continue being good. This past Sunday our pastor gave us a 60 second challenge. He told us that he wanted us to take 60 seconds before getting out of bed in the morning to list all the things we are thankful for. After doing this for only 3 days I already see a difference in how I view the world around me. I was at work and we were really slow. Usually I would complain that it was slow and ask to go home. Today insted of complaining I said a silent prayer to thank God that He has even provided a job for me at this time. It is all about the prospective. I am choosing to see things differently now. Insted of complaining about the traffic, I thank God I have a car to drive. Insted of being grumpy about not sleeping, I praise God that I have a bed to sleep in. Insted of waiting for the bottom to fall out and make my day hell, I am choosing to be positive and give thanks to God for everything. So my advice for today is just to stop waiting for something bad to happen and live the life that God has blessed you with.
A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.
-- Cicero
A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.
-- Cicero
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